Weds night fights:
Duke staring at the camera.
Duke staring out the window.
Ikey wants to go for a walk.
Engagement Flowers! Thank you Shirley
WIWT while working out. These are inov-8 bare-xf 210 minimalist shoes. Probably the best shoes to deadlift in IMO.
Grass fed yogurt. I found this at Ralphs for 0.69 cents. Im going to put this in my post workout shake.
Foam rollin on The Orb.
From a sleepless night trying to break in the new adopted kitten, dinner meet ups, my cousins wedding and our first week as an engaged couple...came a rather busy week of planning and new changes.
Lets face it, these days, there is magic in staring at your shoes.
The "pollo al legno" (sautéed then cedar wood grilled organic chicken breast finished in a light balsamic vinegar sauce) w/ root veggies and sauteed kale. AMAZING - Pace Restaurant
There were many to choose from, but this little guy took the prize. He had a calm quiet demeanor about him which I think would pair well with Duke.
I wanted to name him Roscoe.
location: bridlewood estate winery, santa ynez, ca
date: sunday may 28th 2017
weather: perfect
*note: Im writing as I've retold the story multiple times now already. The more I tell it, the less funnier I make it and the more I seem to unwittingly forget. My hopes are that somehow someway, you have clicked through the links to this post.
By the time we had gotten there, the vineyard had a few groups sipping wine both inside and outside of the main lobby. I had kept the location and the days activities secret. All she knew was that we were NOT going hiking. We had conversations in the past that she didnt want to ever be proposed to while hiking.
The whole ride up to Santa Ynez was filled inquiries about where we were headed. Like a robotic auto-responder, I vaguely answered every question with a: possibly, maybe, or a probably.
We were greeted by the employee who offered us a couple options to start off with. We opted for the wine tasting which costs $20 per person.
We sat by a really peaceful location just outside the lobby under the shade overlooking one of the vineyards. The weather was nearly perfect with a slight breeze. You could hear the sound of the trees swaying above and all around. I took my camera and snapped a few shots as the sunlight would occasionally pierce through from above the trees.
Every time Joleen got up to use the restroom, I scoured the premises for a good spot to propose. The driveway into the vineyard was amazing. Trees on both side along a nice long path into the main building. I thought that wouldve been a good location, minus the possibility of cars coming in and out. Honking as I got on my knee didnt sound so appealing.
So as we wrapped up our last round of tasting, we took a walk around the premise. We spotted a gazebo and a nice row of vine trees overlooking the rest of the field. I decided that would be the spot. We set our stuff down and I asked Joleen to go stand in the middle so I could focus my camera at a good angle.
I had a LovePop card in my pocket to trick her. This card opens up to reveal a pop up engagement ring box that can be opened up as well. I gave it to her and she opened it up wondering what it was I was giving her.
She asked me what it was and then I got down on one knee. The rest is history.
My 5 year goal about 4 years ago was to purchase an airstream and travel across the country. Not necessarily just for the views and blissfullly quiet times driving down the highway, but for what it represents. Detachment, freedom, and the ability to move around. I never did want a home nor to fill the home with things that will eventually accumulate and not serve a purpose in my life, rather just serve as garbage to eventually throw out. No, I resisted it relentlessly. These pursuits seemed more of a product of generational desires which I found myself on the side of not needing such things.
Although my stances on such things havent changed, my circumstances have. I dont believe that material things will make you happy. But as physical things fall apart constantly in life, I ever more appreciate the craftsmanship in things. Having 4 iPhones in the last 4 years due to malfunctions doesnt represent this idea. Planned obsolescence is what that is referred to. But there is another issue here as well, and that is a certain planned desire obsolescence that comes with it. I may have had a few iPhones that have broken through the years, but I also have devices that have functioned perfectly well that were replaced by those phones because you wanted something "newer". A combination of these two, planned obsolescence and planned desire obsolescence is down right a money maker for any business.
What I love about the idea of a simple airstream goes beyond just aesthetics. Its something doesnt really have many moving parts that need to be fixed. The wheels, the windows, the latch. But when you keep it simple without adding a sink, tv, fridge, wiring, fancy lighting, heaters, showers, plumbing, etc...you can keep it manageable.
And thats precisely what modern life is about. When you extend the grips of what you can manage, or go beyond your ability to comprehend it, it becomes unmanageable.
When you stick your roots too firmly in one thing and do nothing but accumulate, you've essentially stripped away your freedom in a box.
Somewhere on an old cassette tape in a drawer, I have a recording of myself from when I was about 10 years old telling my future self that I better be buff and a fireman. That in retrospect seems slightly childish but a rather innocent dream. Im not sure exactly where my wanting to be a firefighter came from. Im sure that this dream was not all that different from most other kids of that age. Especially if a job that like runs in your family.
Nope, my dad was not a firefighter. He did have various jobs: corporate employee, steel worker, gardener, pool man. He started many businesses from a nursery, swap meets where he sold socks and under garments, clothing stores and general merchandise stores. I'm not sure where that drive came from. I'm guessing the drive came from nothing more than the will to make things happen no matter what. This is HOW you make it. You must have THAT drive to get there at all costs.
Now back to my youth. Being buff and just wanting to be a firefighter is not enough to get there. Like I mentioned, it is a rather innocent goal. But neither is just wanting to being respected strong enough. Nor is the desire to escape a cubicle. Nor just wanting a cool job where the chicks dig you. No. It must come from a place of desire. What exactly fuels that desire is subjective to each person, but it must be enough to fuel you. Thats what must fuel all of your actions and endeavors.
Over the course of the last few years, I had found a lot of discontent with my current path. Having spent the majority of my post college life with the same company, unfulfilled and unmotivated, I decided that I would give this childhood dream a good go at it. I enrolled at the UCLA EMT program in the Fall of 2013. I did really well, except the fact that I found it extremely hard to balance work with study, the long late night commutes in traffic, while training and keeping in shape, while not neglecting my responsibilities such as paying bills and keeping the house maintained. I subsequently dropped out of the course towards the end of the program because I couldnt devote enough time to studying. I put this dream on hold.
The next few years were pretty dark. I felt trapped. Trapped in the system. Being afraid to leave a steady paycheck that helped maintain the cost of living that I had accumulated throughout the years. The cost of food, gas, bills, car payments and then subsequently a house payment. Trapped, unfulfilled, and feeling like my career was going nowhere...slowly. Sure, I could quit my job and go roam the planet, but then I thought about all the things I would be neglecting and be without.
So I poured my heart out into my fitness. Obstacle course racing. Hiking. Fitness. Traveling. Photography. Writing. I adopted a kitten on a whim. All the things you could not make money from or barely any. But these were the things that gave me a sense of refreshing bewilderment. A wild sense of living that was completely opposite from the norm. Nothing really mattered because I could just appreciate life for what it was. And that was enough. I felt alive. I felt good.
Oddly, near the summer of 2016, after pouring my heart into this for a few years. I still felt empty. Although it made me happy, it did not progress my financial situation forward. I was stuck in the same trapped position as I was before. It was not providing me any income at all. In fact, I was spending more money to participate in these endeavors more than it was paying for a bill...let alone anything at all. It was at that point I decided that it was time to give it another go at my "dream".
I started attending a few LAFD recruitment events, workouts, and enrolled in the EMT program at College of the Canyons. I felt more determined than ever. Being the fittest I had ever been in my life and mentally prepared, I felt ready to take on the challenge.
(wearing the suit, looking pretty good)
(some of the other potential recruits)
Then "the process" hit me in the face.
I long believed that the American system of career choices heavily favored those who knew what they wanted to be when they were younger, chose the path and stuck with it, and did everything while they were young to get them there. I was very far from being that person. Just as an example, I did not have proper records of my vaccinations nor did I have a steady pediatrician or regular doctor for most of my life. My parents didn't know. They could barely speak English when we got here. I essentially had to start from the beginning. Multiple trips to the student health center for one shot after the other made me feel lackluster and often sick. A series of 3 Hep B shots, chickenpox shots, MMR shots, 2 TB shots, plus titers after each shot to demonstrate that after the shots you are "immune". If the results came back as negative, more shots. Countless trips in traffic from the San Fernando Valley up to Valencia after work. Taking time off work. On top of this, needing to buy uniforms, books, attending orientations, driving to class after work and sometimes sitting in traffic after an 8 hour day. I was the old guy in the class, being surrounded by kids half my age. I also had to start registering for an qualifying exam in order to apply for the fire department, driving to test sites to complete and pass exams. Scheduling the CPAT physical agility test while training for physical test as well. I would pack my lunch in the morning as well as a dinner for before class. I stuffed my workout clothes into a bag, books, materials. I started buying more "things" to help myself accomodate this lifestyle. More bags, clothing, gear, school supplies, apps to keep me organized, more water bottles, food containers, fast drying gym towels, portable laundry bags, clothing containers that would fit in my trunk, etc. My mind began to constantly be in a "what else do I need to keep up?" state. I would also go to the gym after class was to get a really poor workout in. Getting home near midnight and needing to study. During all of this, my cat had also gotten sick. I think it was some sort of separation anxiety and made him unable to urinate. Or the vet had suspected some sort of infection. I had to take him to the vet, feed him antibiotics orally which was a fiasco in itself. An 8 hour work day which started at me waking up at 5am and working until 3:30pm and driving straight to school. Earlier in the year I had also signed up for my first 70.3 half Ironman in Tempe for October as well as my first Ultra Trail Marathon in November in Malibu. I stressed about getting laps in the pool at the gym as well as some runs in the hills. Both of these events didn't happen. I just could not make it happen. One evening, after work, I decided to go home to spend 30 minutes giving my cat medicine and eat before I headed to school. I figured it would add about 30 minutes to my commute to school but it was worth it. I left at 4:45 and got to school at 7:45pm. It had taken me 3 hours to travel about 17 miles. Needless to say I was late to class. After this long day, I decided to drop the class.
The last part of 2016 left me with having to bail out on some big things that I had planned for myself. I felt pulled in a lot of directions. Fulfilling a lifelong dream vs fulfilling some new found dreams. The pulling of my energy into multiple directions was too much but I didn't want to give up. I by chance had found another EMT school that allowed me to study by myself from a book and go into a skills week for hands on training at the end of December. I decided to go that route and enroll and thus began to study again for countless hours day and night.
I had one more event in 2016. It was the Spartan Sprint in Malibu. Having not trained as I would have liked, I decided that I didn't want to bail out on this one. On one of the last few obstacles, I dropped down from the rope pretty hard and broke my toe. More than just a minor physical limitation that prevented me from lifting patients or equipment, I was unable to attend the skills session. By that point, I was mentally spent. I decided to take the 2 weeks of time I had scheduled off from work for this class to just recover from a long year.
Whether I will give another go at this seems unlikely to say the least. Yvon Chouinard once said that there is a proper size for every endeavor. For me, throughout that journey, the constant reassessment of whether its worth it kept tugging at me. I wondered how bad the feeling of guilt would be once I started a family. As we get older, we amass a lot of things in life. Both tangible and intangible. Responsibilities grow. Thus I decided to shed my tangible things more and more. Anyone at my age or above whom you've read about accomplishing a lot personally may or may not behoove to tell you that they sacrificed a lot in order to get there. This means not only of themselves, but the other things in their lives that they love. People, things, places, experiences, animals, passions and quite simply: the quiet mornings having not much to do which give us the time to reflect. In this constantly progressive society, its precisely these things are often lost or neglected in the pursuit of personal gain.
Ultimately, dreams shift. I've come to understand that its okay. Thats because it has to be okay. If its not, you cannot move on. Its okay to fail and try again only to fail again in the process as well. I write this not with an answer on what to do. I write this confirm that most of the time that I dont know what to do. And thats perfectly okay to. Its okay to hold onto dreams and give it a go. The window of opportunity on achieving my childhood dream may have ultimately closed, but thats okay.
I've got plenty of dreams now to focus on.
My five month hiatus has been broken. A lot of time had come and gone and my toe has been healed for a while now. What I know for sure is that I no longer feel odd swelling in my foot throughout the day. Any sensation of swelling comes from when I sit, or most oddly, when I wear dress shoes and walk down steps.
(x rays showed a slight fracture on the 4th metatarsal)
The most critical part of this is that while injured, I developed a lot of compensation type of movements and it thus created a lot of imbalances in my body. Since my foot couldn't handle pressure, I would favor it with the other foot or leg. I started to develop same side hip and hamstring pain when walking.
(these are both the after photos which so the calcification of the fracture which is part of the healing process)
Yes its come to this. I'm feeling my age (36).
My very slight but subtle sense of immortality has been shaken. This is the first official bone that I have broken and my first injury. A month or two later I got a cavity. Then I started to notice more sunspots on my face which turned out not to be cancer. Then I have to have my wisdom tooth removed in a few weeks. The hits keep coming.
Although I've had to re-evaluate my stance on competitive "beat yourself up" type of events, I've not stopped training. It makes me feel good and it helps me sleep better, which was the whole point in the first place.
More to come.
